Large Hadron Collider Vs. An Easy Bake Oven

Large Hadron ColliderEasy-Bake Oven
Makes mini black holesMakes mini chocolate or yellow cakes
Requires 1.8 exowatts of powerShould not exceed 75w bulb
Toroidal LHC ApparatusLightbulb in a cardboard box
Cannot make methMakes meth
Could destroy the universe if improperly set.Fire hazard. Keep away from drapery.
$4.3 billion in construction costs, $1 billion annual operating costs$29.95 new, $59.95 vintage plus $.41 per cake.
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Pros and Mostly Cons of Being a Liquid

Con – Hard to dress up for formal or any occasions

Pro – Determined, strong-willed, incompressible

Con – Keep getting asked to rinse or dissolve things

Pro – Comfortably employed as a rinser and/or dissolver

Con – Letting off steam can be fatal

Con – Constant filtering; will you ever be clean again?

Con – Nobody wants to take you hiking

Pro – You represent the unconscious mind

Con – The other states of matter don’t trust you


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Willoughby’s Giant Blankets Announces Fall Sale

OCTOBER – Now through the end of October, Willoughby’s Giant Blankets are 25% off.  Giant Blankets are a special hyper-blend of 55% cotton, 50% wool, and 5% Lycra®.  That’s right!

Willoughby’s Giant Blankets all come with a convenient carrying crate.  They unfold to measure 35 feet by 48 feet.  So, they’re perfect for just about everywhere.

About the blanket 
Product Dimensions5 x 5 x 5 feet
Item Weight242 pounds
Shipping Weight250 pounds
ManufacturerWilloughby Blankets
Available colorsSkylark, Meadowdew, Auntie's Basement, The Schdadt
Customer Reviews
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Benton Farms Pencil Co. Announces “Perspective Pencil”

Benton Farms has been manufacturing reference pencils to an exacting standard for over 50 years. The name Benton Farms has become shorthand for reference pencil.  A recent survey showed that 53% of scientists working in the field prefer photographing their samples next to a Benton Farms reference pencil; that’s more than the dime and the Canadian quarter combined.

Now, for the first time it its 102 year history, Benton Farms Pencil, Co has a new product.  The Benton Farms perspective pencil.  They took the same rigorous manufacturing standards that made the reference pencil a legend and applied them to making pencils of different sizes.   Perspective Pencils range in size from ten millimeters to over two meters in length.  Same great materials, same great proportions, completely new scales!









* Shown for reference

** Enlarged for detail

*** Modified for screen

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Ground Broken for Library of Babel Emoji Wing

HYPERREALITY, September 27, 2016 – A finite number of crews broke ground on new rooms at the Library of Babel this week.  The rooms will house incoming books that incorporate recently approved emoji characters.

Although provably finite in nature, the scope of the project is currently indefinite.  “Every time MicroShit and Crapple add a new goddamn emoji, that’s the number of existing characters plus one to the 1,312,000 power more books we gotta house,” said Mr. Lem Bernstein, Director of Facilities for the Library.  “We only fit 700 books per room.  You do the math.”

The project has suffered many challenges, the most basic of which has been obtaining enough raw building material.  “We just can’t get our hands on enough high quality marble.  Let alone enough atoms.  I am told there are only about ten to the 84th, 85th power atoms in the known universe.  So, either I’m doing my job wrong or somebody needs to start making some more atoms.”

Head Librarian, Alby Wundermint, said, “Sure, I get frustrated.  Most people don’t even know what we do or that we even exist.  And the people that do know about us think it’s just a waste.  Oh, why are we using all the atoms in the known Universe to build a library that’s mostly filled with crap?  Well, you tell me how we should use all those atoms, mister?  You tell me!  Because I am all ears.”

Mr Wundermint continued, “Look, do I think every emoji should make it into the Library?  No.  Middle finger, octopus, turd, those are all fine.  Huggy face?  No.  But ultimately it’s not my decision so I shut up and do my job.  Ever think of that?”

“It’s been a lot of work, that’s for sure,” said Chia Neusome, a crew forewoman.  “But we get a lot of down time waiting for deliveries, like marble, shelving and atoms and stuff.  We have a poker game going.  It’s not like when we had to get rid of the ‘æ‘ character.  Man.  That sucked.”

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Alka Seltzer Artisanal

LEVERKUSEN, GERMANY – Bayer Global fires the first shot in the upscale OTC pain relief market today with its announcement of Alka Seltzer Artisanal.  Same great Alka Seltzer relief, but now in the shape of hand-crafted, mission-style furniture.  The dissolvable craft pieces come in Regular, Lemon-Lime and Pot Roast flavors.  Bayer Vice President for Product Development, Merrick Craddleton, said “We’ve known where the market was heading.  But hand crafted fizzies take time to develop.  We really invested in the finest craftspeople from across the planet, actually.  Mission furniture is just our first line of artisanal fizzies.  Next year we plan on launching two more including a Louis XIV line.”

The product hits select markets mid-October 2016.


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