|Large Hadron Collider||Easy-Bake Oven|
|Makes mini black holes||Makes mini chocolate or yellow cakes|
|Requires 1.8 exowatts of power||Should not exceed 75w bulb|
|Toroidal LHC Apparatus||Lightbulb in a cardboard box|
|Cannot make meth||Makes meth|
|Could destroy the universe if improperly set.||Fire hazard. Keep away from drapery.|
|$4.3 billion in construction costs, $1 billion annual operating costs||$29.95 new, $59.95 vintage plus $.41 per cake.|
Con – Hard to dress up for formal or any occasions
Pro – Determined, strong-willed, incompressible
Con – Keep getting asked to rinse or dissolve things
Pro – Comfortably employed as a rinser and/or dissolver
Con – Letting off steam can be fatal
Con – Constant filtering; will you ever be clean again?
Con – Nobody wants to take you hiking
Pro – You represent the unconscious mind
Con – The other states of matter don’t trust you
OCTOBER – Now through the end of October, Willoughby’s Giant Blankets are 25% off. Giant Blankets are a special hyper-blend of 55% cotton, 50% wool, and 5% Lycra®. That’s right!
Willoughby’s Giant Blankets all come with a convenient carrying crate. They unfold to measure 35 feet by 48 feet. So, they’re perfect for just about everywhere.
|About the blanket|
|Product Dimensions||5 x 5 x 5 feet|
|Item Weight||242 pounds|
|Shipping Weight||250 pounds|
|Available colors||Skylark, Meadowdew, Auntie's Basement, The Schdadt|
Benton Farms has been manufacturing reference pencils to an exacting standard for over 50 years. The name Benton Farms has become shorthand for reference pencil. A recent survey showed that 53% of scientists working in the field prefer photographing their samples next to a Benton Farms reference pencil; that’s more than the dime and the Canadian quarter combined.
Now, for the first time it its 102 year history, Benton Farms Pencil, Co has a new product. The Benton Farms perspective pencil. They took the same rigorous manufacturing standards that made the reference pencil a legend and applied them to making pencils of different sizes. Perspective Pencils range in size from ten millimeters to over two meters in length. Same great materials, same great proportions, completely new scales!
* Shown for reference
** Enlarged for detail
*** Modified for screen
HYPERREALITY, September 27, 2016 – A finite number of crews broke ground on new rooms at the Library of Babel this week. The rooms will house incoming books that incorporate recently approved emoji characters.
Although provably finite in nature, the scope of the project is currently indefinite. “Every time MicroShit and Crapple add a new goddamn emoji, that’s the number of existing characters plus one to the 1,312,000 power more books we gotta house,” said Mr. Lem Bernstein, Director of Facilities for the Library. “We only fit 700 books per room. You do the math.”
The project has suffered many challenges, the most basic of which has been obtaining enough raw building material. “We just can’t get our hands on enough high quality marble. Let alone enough atoms. I am told there are only about ten to the 84th, 85th power atoms in the known universe. So, either I’m doing my job wrong or somebody needs to start making some more atoms.”
Head Librarian, Alby Wundermint, said, “Sure, I get frustrated. Most people don’t even know what we do or that we even exist. And the people that do know about us think it’s just a waste. Oh, why are we using all the atoms in the known Universe to build a library that’s mostly filled with crap? Well, you tell me how we should use all those atoms, mister? You tell me! Because I am all ears.”
Mr Wundermint continued, “Look, do I think every emoji should make it into the Library? No. Middle finger, octopus, turd, those are all fine. Huggy face? No. But ultimately it’s not my decision so I shut up and do my job. Ever think of that?”
“It’s been a lot of work, that’s for sure,” said Chia Neusome, a crew forewoman. “But we get a lot of down time waiting for deliveries, like marble, shelving and atoms and stuff. We have a poker game going. It’s not like when we had to get rid of the ‘æ‘ character. Man. That sucked.”
LEVERKUSEN, GERMANY – Bayer Global fires the first shot in the upscale OTC pain relief market today with its announcement of Alka Seltzer Artisanal. Same great Alka Seltzer relief, but now in the shape of hand-crafted, mission-style furniture. The dissolvable craft pieces come in Regular, Lemon-Lime and Pot Roast flavors. Bayer Vice President for Product Development, Merrick Craddleton, said “We’ve known where the market was heading. But hand crafted fizzies take time to develop. We really invested in the finest craftspeople from across the planet, actually. Mission furniture is just our first line of artisanal fizzies. Next year we plan on launching two more including a Louis XIV line.”
The product hits select markets mid-October 2016.
This is Squishy.* She is a beautiful, versatile, indoor-outdoor cat. She is altered and up to date on all required and recommended vaccinations. She is a beloved pet and family member and is available immediately for $10,000. Upon meeting Squishy, you will immediately remark her friendly affection, and her soft, full coat. Another feature is her ability to meow at the back door when other cats would utilize a litter box. She will use a litter box if one is available and humans are not around to open a door. Act soon to become part of the next exciting phase in Squishy’s life. This cat will sell soon.
* Name reassignments are available for all felines.