The Bible - God's Cut

Get ready for the new edition. It's about 200 pages longer. "There are some new scenes, and some of the originals have been altered both for greater accuracy and to take advantage of advances in language since the first effort, like the past tense," proclaimed God, returning again to the Earth, this time in the form of plump and thirtyish Carl Banthers. Carl holds a B.A. in communications from Florida State and is currently a St. Petersburg Department of Motor Vehicles clerk.

When asked why a new version, Carl's passion really showed. "When I guided the hands of the original authors, there were parts that were fleshed out, but some of it was really just place holder stuff that I'd always planned to come back to for the published version. Who knew they'd run with the first draft? Imagine My fury when suddenly scribes everywhere are copying out all of the 'begats' from the end of Genesis. Jesus, that was just an outline!"

"Don't get Me started on the translations," He continues, "The Latin was bad enough, but I can't even look at the New American Standard."

Religious leaders and scholars from around the world are anxiously awaiting the arrival of the second edition. "Clearly, we're all keyed up to see what He's done this time." Seamus Bernbaum, a religion professor at Columbia expresses the anticipation, "There's an office pool about what He'll change in Leviticus and if Ruth is even going to make the cut, but everyone expects a major revision of the Gospels. Differing versions of the same story is fine, if tedious, for mortals like Faulkner or Kurosawa, but we think that, this time, the Omniscient One will probably want to have just one, consistent through-line."

Bernbaum colleague, Dr. Jane Williamson adds, "I hear Scorsese is already in negotiations for the film rights."

"You should see what I've done with Sarah," God tantalizes, "I can't go into details for contractual reasons, but I can say that she's not just rolling over when Hagar comes on the scene."

God's Cut will be available this fall in hardcover, then as a paperback in time for Christmas. "Penguin has been wonderful to work with," Carl beams, "They've really bent over backward to heed My commandments, and they've given Me a sweet royalty deal."