Notes from the Upper Cretaceous

By Carlo (as translated P.J. Handall, PhD)

Textual Notes
Originally unearthed in 1910 in a tyrannosaur nesting site in the badlands of South Dakota, the writings that follow have finally been translated using high-powered super-computers and some good old-fashioned intuition. The journal of the tyrannosaur, now known to be named Carlo, reveals unprecedented detail of the behavior of these mysterious and terrifying creatures.

Wednesday, Jan. 3, 65,000,124 m.y.a.
Cold today. Moving slow, but not so slow that I couldn't get that stegosaur. Tasty. Sleepy now.

Jan. 5
Cold again. Hungry. Stego remains starting to smell cheesy. Mmm. Gassy, probably will defecate within the week.

Jan. 9
Defecated.
.
.
.

March 15
The swamps are getting steamy and sulphury again. Ah, the Ides of March. Spring is just around the corner.
Found and ate partial bronto carcass. It was rot-licious. By the smell, I think it was Steve's kill, but I can take him if he wants to make a big deal out of it.

March 17
Steve is really starting to piss me off. He keeps dropping urea on Big Green Hill, which is clearly my territory since the time he backed down from my posturing and vocalizations last summer.

March 20
Saw THREE betties today. I was just ranging my territory when I came up on Marcy and Tabitha at Sodden Valley. They were gossiping over a washed up Coelacanth. They think they're all that. They barely even hurried when I charged them and took the rest of the carrion.
Then, right in the middle of some dense coniferous forest, I practically run over Alicia. I must have looked like an idiot. She is so HOT now, I just stood there staring for a minute before scaring her off with the requisite territorial bleat. Seems weird how just last year she was just Andrew's pesky kid sister.

March 22
Ate 13 compys.

March 23
Omigod! I think Alicia noticed me checking out her cloaca. SOOO embarrassed!

March 25
Alicia was at Shallow River this morning. She bent over to get some water, tail in the air, just workin' it. So I'm thinking, ok, Carlo, that's your friend's kid sister. Just turn around and walk away.
Then, out of the brush downstream a ways comes Steve, strutting so anyone could tell what was on HIS mind. Being down wind, I knew he knew that I was there, so, really, this was as much about me as her.
Every instinct in me shouts, "Run! Roar! Get that bastard!" But I take a second and decide that quiet power is the best approach, especially with Alicia watching. So, I slowly stride out of the tree line toward Alicia, completely ignoring Steve. Not posturing, just headed for a nice drink at the river.
I can tell Steve's getting all worked up as I come up next to Alicia with a quick and casual, "Hey, howsit goin'?"
My heart was pounding and I was alert for anything from Steve. I lift my head after a quick sip for a glance over where he was, but he's gone. I guess he knew what was best for him.

March 26
Still can't get the putrid stench of Alicia's breath out of my head.

March 27
Hungry. No catch today. Saw Andrew at the swamp. He said that Alicia was telling him how cute I was. YES!


March 28
Slight nausea from big mouthful of leaves from a hadrosaur's belly. Yuck. Fucking herbivores.

April 1
Nailed Alicia! (JK April Fools)

April 4
for Alicia

Lifeless swamp-green eyes
Snout glistening with blood-feast rouge
Tiny little arms


April 6
Raptors! I hate those guys. As soon as you splay one, there's another one gnawing away at your haunches. I need iodine. Want rest…

April 10
Jesus! I've been sleeping, delirious with fever, for almost four days. Still feel weak, but tremendous thirst. I'll go get drink, then come back + rest…
…oh god, oh GOD! What has happened? That dick Steve takes advantage of my raptor-bite weakened state to jump me at Shallow River in front of everyone!
Worst of all, I look up from my submissive position and there's Alicia. Is she looking at me in pity and outrage at Steve's cowardice? NO! She's looking at HIM, giving him THAT LOOK!
I bet that bitch has already let him fertilize her.

April 14
Haven't been able to find food. Well, really, haven't been up to catching anything. Hardly can get out of my nest to write.

April 18
Defecated. It looked sort of like a protosimian, so I ate it.
.
.
.

This is an excerpt from the entire translation, Carlo: Walk a Mile in MY Shoes, available in three volumes from Houghton-Mifflin, Carlo & Handall 2001 (ISBN 0982714-29847-3).