In this paper we shall do two things. 1) prove that race horse names are unforgivably lame. 2) conclusively determine, through deductive proof, why 1) is true. The below table of actual horse names is proof of 1) Turn Editorial Comment Off Name notes... Buckpasser One who passes bucks, get it? Hah ha haa. ha? Al Hattab I asked an Arab friend of mine what this means. He said "Al Hattab". Danzatame Named after a drug that makes you act more like Tony Danza Precise End Oh, I'm sure this horse lived to enjoy a long and fertile retirement Thunder Puddles A collection of puddles; each full of thunder. A fierce competitor, I'm sure Tomorrows Cat That's just a nickname. On his papers it reads "Tomorrows Catfood" Talc Named so because this horse too, became an important filler material for paints, rubber, insecticides and talcum powder. Unadilla this horse actually was quite an outstanding racer, despite having ONLY ONE DILLA! (yeah, neither do I) Coxsackie Coxsackie. Coxsackie. Coxsackie. I actually like this name. Vice Regent why didn't they just name this horse, "I'm Pretty Good But Not As Good As You Probably Are" Corsage Obviously because you can wear this horse around your wrist. Third Wife that's disgusting. But not as disgusting as… Love From The Air they better have video taped this and sold copies on-line for $65! Spectaculardynasty I guess they were trying to save money on embroidery work I Be Classy "I heard my maid utter this and I think it's just so adorable how they talk!" Thrillerfrommanila some people just don't get it. Michael's Lead is it Michael's Lead or is it Michael's Lead? Moment of Space Tantalizing glimpse into the mind of a groundbreaking cosmologist or random uttering of a complete idiot? Sure wish I was a bettin' man... Snifter a combination of Sniffer, Stiffy, Sifter, and Snitfer! Iodine supprisingly enough, Iodine did not come from the same farm that bought us Talc Referee Bob "Oh, you guys go ahead. I'll just sit back here and watch you guys race and determine who wins." Glenda Smile how much do you want to bet that this horse's trailer had an airbrushed license plate? In Newt's Corner Eeks! Newt's corner isn't big enough for two horses! (Sorry, the US Department of Comedy would have fined me $25.00 if I hadn't gone for that joke). Sovereign Rip Torn Wait! This is a pretty funny name. I would LOVE to live in a sovereign nation called Rip Torn. That would kick ass. But probably the owners just meant the words "rip" and "torn" Boots On Sunday nails in your feet the rest of the week Adif This name looks easy to type, but it really isn't. Hamatress combination of Hamster and Mattress. Bartok I have no idea why they named this horse this. It looks nothing like Bela Bartok. Fabulous Champ sired by "Race Horse Thingy That Runs Really Fast" Free House sorry all you groove rockers without band names. "Free House" is taken! I Can Fly this horse rode the short bus to school. Mountain Bike This owner's mountain bike is named Mountain Bike Phonetics pronounced /fone tix/ Undercover Man "Nope. No spies here Comrade Koskalkanov. Just horses!" And now to fulfill 2). In an earlier paper by Moreau (1995), it was shown that the idle class is statistically the least creative and most myopic population, and it was further shown in a paper by Kendrick et al. (2000) that in certain closed systems, successive generations of a taxonomy become increasingly more lame. By proving that race horse naming is not such a taxonomy, I will show that its members are so fucking stupid solely due to the Moreau Effect (1995). Click here to see a completely random computer generated list of corresponding race horse names that kick these names' ass!