Important Addenda To Your Post-9/11 Survival Guide

Hello consumer! Thank you again for purchasing When the Shit Hits the Fan: Your Post-9/11 Survival Guide from Schadenfreude Publishing. As part of our on-going commitment to accuracy, we have made some important updates and changes to your all-in-one compendium of government recommended Readiness:

On page 12 the sentence reading, “A massive power outage across many sections of the grid can only mean one thing: Armageddon” should actually say, “Most power fluctuations are the result of antiquated equipment and should be dealt with in a calm and rational manner.” The authors regret this typo and apologize for any undo anxiety it may have caused.

Chapter 2 (“Don’t Open That Envelope!”) gave many helpful tips regarding safe disposal of unread mail. The authors would now suggest that such drastic steps be taken only if the mail in question is ticking or appears to be associated with a Public Television fund drive. NOTE: On page 24, the sentence reading, “Be sure never to send foot powder through the Postal Service, even in jest” should now read “Never go swimming in a Maryland pond.”

Pages 55 through 59, including the sections entitled “Dissent Is Treason” and “A Corpse Has No Civil Liberties” have been removed from the latest edition of the Survival Guide.

On page 89 the phrase “biochemical holocaust in the desert” has been changed to “Vietnam-esque quagmire.”

In Chapter 5 (“Don’t Hide Your War Bonds Under the Mattress”) the suggested investments of McDonnell-Douglas, Northrop-Grumman, and 3M (makers of 3M brand duct tape) have all performed well. The authors would like to apologize and withdraw their recommendations of Enron and Worldcom. As for Halliburton and subsidiaries it seems that Vice-President Cheney’s heart condition was simply an elaborate red herring to draw attention away from his blatant croneyism, and Halliburton Blue Chip Preferred stock now comes highly recommended.

On page 120, “Put your faith in the newly-empowered Homeland Security Department” should now read “Nobody does anything right the first time.”

In Chapter 7 (“Don’t Turn That TV Off”) the recommendation to “glue your eyes to 24-hour news channels” should be followed with moderation and, if necessary, medication.

On page137 of the 2002 edition, the phrase “President Bush foresees a jubilant welcome by the liberated Iraqi populace” should now read “President Bush has said from the beginning that this would be a drawn-out, costly process fraught with danger and yielding few, if any, rewards for our efforts and sacrifice.”

Finally no changes have been made to the last chapter entitled “Don’t Be Moslem.” Although we at Schadenfreude Publishing embrace peoples of all religions, it still doesn’t seem like a good idea to be a follower of Islam these days. (If you live in America, that is.) HELPFUL HINT: If your Middle-Eastern ethnicity singles you out for racial profiling, tell them you’re Latino!