Things I Learned The Hard Way

Some things, like playing the guitar and making love to a woman, I learned the easy way. That is, by reading and watching video tape series. These are not those things. These are Things I Learned The Hard Way!

1. You cannot demand that your pizza be delivered by someone in a wheelchair. I did this once, and only once. So peturbed by my simple request was the on-duty management at Gevito's pizza, that not only did they deny my request, but they made me feel, not so much with specific words as with a strongly disapproving tone, that my little affirmative action toward the blessed wheelchair bound was somehow wrong. Well, fuck you Gevito's! That's the last time you'll snicker at me!

2. How to split an atom Let's just say that this is more of an outdoor activity than I had calculated. By the time I was done splitting the atom, a task I was bound by simple courtesy to fulfill as a friend dropped by unannounced and I had but one atom to share, I had irradiated the plumbing in my entire apartment building for the next 37 years, induced a second head to sprout from my cat's shoulder and melted most of my muscles together. I'm really strong now, but I can only move in a south south westerly direction.

3. It's always 58.7% as bad as it seems. Sure, now I'm like, duh! But at the time, it wasn't so obvious. I've ruined many a loving relationship by being 15-18% too pessamistic.

4. My glasses are on my forehead. I spent most of last summer retracing my exact steps of most of last spring trying to figure out where I last left my glasses. This was a tremendous waste of time. It's too bad I have this silly superstition about mirrors and that I've allienated everyone I've ever known. I really wish someone had told me my glasses were on my head.