Ask Ted Williams' Head

Dear Splendid Splintor,
My daughter is dating an older boy. He's 22, she's 6. She claims they're in love but I don't know. The way they take off in his rag-top from her elementary school might give her a "reputation." Am I being a worry-wort?

Mrs. Mom,
Albany NY

Dear Mrs. Mom,
They used to call me the Splendid Splintor. Why? I don't know, but now my head's been severed from my body and stuffed in a tank. in the process, my skull has been severely damaged. There are holes drilled in it. Why? i don't know that either. I'm really in no position to be giving advice. But I think your daughter's too young. Thanks.
Ted

Dear Ted's Head,
If you ever get reanimated, do you think you're going to try to make a comeback to the Big Leauges?

Go Sox,
Boston

Dear Go Sox,
Given the severity of my head injuries and my lack of a body, I don't see how I really could. Better luck next year Boston!

Ted

Dear Ted Williams,
I'm in a bind. It's a long story so I won't go into all of it, but I have leprosy and am unable to get rid of it. Because of my weakened state, the local scavanging birds have taken to pulling off chunks of my flesh and eating them in front of me, laughing. How can I get rid of these crows?

Skin So Soft,
Lubbock, TX

dear skin so soft,
it's heart warming tales like yours that keep me going. not that i have a choice. i've been trying to kill myself ever since i died. there is no end in sight please reader if you care for anything decent i beg you storm the alcor life extension building destroy me burn me kick me over. my head is burning in this frozen metal case i have no body to fight the darkness no throat to scream for help. the still, desperate infinity of the cosmos is filling my nosrils. if i could move one molecule in my head it would be a blessed relief. so still so still so still so still still