A.B.A.A.W.M

A.B.A.A.W.M
attn: Director

Dear Sirs,

First of all, I would like to begin by saying that I am a great fan of Americans for the Betterment of Americans in America, having been a member of your organizations before (A.B.A.A.W.A.S., Americans for the Betterment of Americans in America without Arnold Schwarzenegger and A.B.A.A.W.S.I., Americans for the Betterment of Americans in America without Arnold Schwarzenegger Impersonators). Also, I am a current member of Americans for the Betterment of Americans in America Without Imported Cheese since 1994.

Concerning recent events, namely, the attack of this planet by Mars, I would like to formally request an amendment to policy with the A.B.A.A.W.M. Please know that this in no way makes me a Martian sympathizer. I have followed your guidelines to a ‘T’. I have turned all my friends and family members with the word “mar” or “mars” in their name. This includes my Uncle Marty, cousin Marsha and 3 Marks twice removed from my mother’s side whose name, by the way, is Donna (an exemplary American for America if I’ve ever seen one). Thanks to your mail order Backyard Detention Kit (and it’s speedy delivery) I have detained over 100 suspected Martian sympathizers* and have been feeding them the suggested diet of gasoline and McRibs. By the way, the instructions for the Kit were not only well written, but beautifully illustrated as well. I especially appreciated the surprise free gift. I am wearing it every night and my husband, whose name is Bob, thinks its sexy. I would also like to thank you for your wonderful pamphlets, which have allowed Bob and I to discover that his alcoholism was not due to repressed memories of sexual abuse by his alcoholic father, but rather was the result of drinking red wine not produced in this country.

I have, however, come across a conflict which I must share with you in the interest of free speech and buying in bulk, something which I do in order to stretch my All*American dollar as much as I can. Knowing the importance of our responsibility to be the watchdogs of the free world, I can no longer concede the fact that my freezer is full of precisely 986 red, Hebrew Nation Kosher Hot Dogs. I would like to petition the A.B.A.A.W.M. for permission to keep these wieners, as I believe the fact that they were bought wholesale and are phallic in shape outweighs their Color/Temperature Violation. I have tried on numerous occasions to dye the lot of them blue, but have failed miserably. I have also tried to find a way in which to store them in a less frigid environment, but Bob does not think the resulting smell is sexy. Knowing that the first rule for Americans in America is to create baby Americans for America, I am struggling with the concepts of procreation vs. patriotism.

This is a matter which weighs heavy on my heart (which, thanks to your Do-It-Yourself Patriot Inoculations, is now blue) and I would welcome any advice you have to give on the subject. It would serve to alleviate he internal struggle which is mine.

Sincerely,
Varla Varshall


* anyone in the neighborhood who wears red, has red hair, or is frigid and wears red hair like the woman who lives on the corner.