Questions Asked In Non-Current Songs, Addressed By Ann Lander’s Nephew, Steve

Q: “Why you wanna treat me so bad?” – Prince

A: The truth is, Prince, is that I’m jealous of your funkiness. I’ve got a little bit of funk, but not much compared to you (Because NOTHING compares 2 U!) So I’ll treat you bad, man. I’ll hold your platform boots above your head and make you jump ‘til the pompadour flops. What U goin’ 2 do? Bite my kneecaps?

Q: “Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes-Benz?” -Janis Joplin

A: The answer to this question is no. God does not care if your friends drive Porsches. The heirs of Ms. Joplin’s estate probably do have Mercedes-Benzes though, since they did sell the rights to the song to Mercedes for use in a commercial, which is tantamount to…. No, I can’t think of an example more disgustingly ironic.

Q: “Why are there so many songs about rainbows?” -Kermit The Frog

A: Are there? How many songs about rainbows can you name? Sure, there’s all that crap in the Wizard of Oz, and that old pat-a cake favorite about “…slide down my rainbow, into my cellar door…” but can you think of any more?

Q: “Hello, Lamppost, whatcha’ knowin’?” –Paul Simon

A: That doesn’t really make sense, Paul. I know you’re feelin’ grooooooooovey and all, but it’s a lamppost. It’s not knowin’ anything. It would make slightly more sense to ask it what its’ doin’, but probably not enough to matter. Did lampposts ever really have flowers? That might be a cool thing to resurrect.

Q: “Mother, do you think she’s good enough?” – Pink Floyd

A: I think Roger Waters has some Oedipal issues to work out. First, it’s “Mother do you think they’ll drop the bomb?”, then “ Mother, should I build the Wall?” Here, Rog, it’s easy: She’s not good enough, because she’s not a whining sycophant who will treat your mother like a queen and you like a turd, which is apparently what mama wants. The question you should be asking is: “Roger, do you see the potential for growth, expansion and renewal with this woman?” If you can answer that affirmatively, I say keep her.

As for the other two questions, I doubt they’ll drop the bomb. It’s more likely to be driven in a cargo van, or such the like. And you should only build a wall if you’re going to build at least two more, and then a roof. Otherwise, they’ll just walk around it.

Q: “Why do fools fall in love?” – Frankie Lymon

A: Fools fall in love because they are most often humans, and that is part of the human condition. P.T. Barnum said, “There’s a fool born every minute.” If fools didn’t fall in love, I’m sure this statistic would be dramatically altered. Of course, there must be fools born of non-fool parents, but, as like begets like, I think that lovin’ fools must be the source of this rampant procreation. But I ask you: can you imagine a world with out fools? Who would Mr. T have to pity? Who would rush in? Who would vote for Bush? I say, if you’re a fool, and you got that fool vibe workin’, that you should just accept that you’re eventually going to fall in love. That’s not much different than pigeons, or people with smelly houses. (What’s with those people, anyway?)

Q: “Where have all the cowboys gone?”- Paula Cole

A: Well, that is a toughie. (And “toughie” sounds better than it looks typed, I’ve just realized) The age of the cattle drive, except for yuppie nostalgia camps, has all but passed. A multinational conglomerate now owns the American cattle herds, and they have one goal in mind; to speed the production of beef to your grill, favorite restaurant or fast food chain. Cattle are no longer driven across the prairies in search of grazing land. Ted Turner owns all of the grazing land in the US, and he’s raising buffalo. Or, it may be Jane Fonda- I didn’t pay attention to the divorce proceedings.

Because of the limited availability of “Doggy Runs”, Ranchers banded together to ensure that feed would be brought to them, rather than having to hire smelly, rowdy cowboys to travel with the cows in search of grass. Once the owners realized they could save time and money by keeping cattle penned, getting them to slaughter weight in eighteen months, force feeding them corn and hormones, which in turn enlarge the muscles of the army men and the bosoms of their girlfriends, the cowboys saw the writing on the wall. They hung up their spurs, sent their horses out to pasture, and became television producers.

Confidential to J.M in Laurel Canyon,
Constantly in the darkness is not actually a where, per say. It’s more of a deletion of a sense. For instance, it’s dark literally everywhere, sometimes. Except for suns, or seven-11’s. Of course, you happen to live in a box of paints, so I imagine that it’s dark there a lot. Go to Target and get a lamp. Then you’ll always be aware that your darkness is a choice rather than a location.