Sharks Take A Stand

Even without swim bladders

It seems like every week this summer there has been a feature in the news about someone who has been attacked by a shark. Granted, all of these incidents are not fatal, but it does seem like these occurrences are becoming more and more common. We here at The Rag have taken great interest in this subject and we've put the time in to go out to the Outback of Australia to visit two of the most world renowned amateur shark experts, the Austro-American couple Dick and Leggy Fatigue.

I arrived at the Fatigue household on a hot arid afternoon. Leggy greeted me at the door of their rundown ranch style home. She had a rather nasty black eye, and when she caught me staring at it she simply replied "the stairs."

"Stairs?" I thought to myself. I dismissed it and entered the house.

Leggy and I sat down at the table. She offered me her last beer and the interview began.

The Rag: So how's the shark business these days? There sure have been a lot of attacks this summer in Florida.

Leggy: That's what my parents in Tampa told me, actually I just got back from a visit with them a few weeks ago. I did get some lovely photos. However Dick and I don't get out much anymore, you know, studying the sharks and whatnot. I basically clean up around the house and tend the farm while Dick stays in the bedroom drunk all day long. I mean, we used to be very passionate about the ocean and especially sharks, but ever since the Crocodile Hunter came along and stole our gig, things just haven't been the same. Moving out to the desert didn't help much either.

Dick (screaming from the bedroom): Oi'm tha fist. That fucking rat; he took moi fucking idear. Oi was tha fist, it was may.

Leggy: Yes, well, as I said, Dick just stays drunk all day long in the bedroom until he finally passes out around 7 or 8 in the evening. Did I happen to mention he laments quite a bit about the Crocodile Hunter? It's so unfortunate, he used to be quite enthusiastic.

The Rag: I see. So why do you think we've seen an increase in shark attacks lately?

Leggy: Well it is my own personal theory that sharks are very much sentient beings. They don't appreciate what we are doing to their ecosystem. They're tired of us using and killing them...

Dick (screaming from the bedroom again): Shut tha fuckup, you good fa nothing Shelia. Quit pretendin' loike ya know somethin'. Aye! There's no more piss and it's dry as a nun's nasty outside. Why don't ya mike yaself useful an run down to tha ole bottle-o and get may some more. Who tha fuck ah you talkin' to?

Leggy: Nevermind dear. I'll go get you more beer in a few minutes… So, as I was saying, sharks are tired of us killing them off and they are beginning to rebel against the human race. I know it sounds kooky, but it's true I have a photo we took to prove it. See?

The Rag: Indeed, that is quite interesting and I believe your theory is strongly backed up with your photograph. Is there anything else you'd like to add, Mrs. Fatigue?

Dick (screaming from his hole): Yeah, fuck off ya fuck! Leggy, don't mike may cam out and pop ya once o twice. Go an get me my damn piss!

Leggy: Oh don't mind him, he's just being difficult and bitter. I better go and get him his beer. It was a pleasure talking to you. Hopefully you'll find something I've said useful.

Indeed I will Leggy, indeed I will. In a nutshell I learned one thing from my talk with Leggy: If you don't want to be on the menu, stay out of the soup.