An Open Letter To Whoever Has Been Looking At Porn On My Computer

Will the person or persons that have been visiting pornographic websites on my computers at both home and work please stop? I do not know who you are or why you would want to try to ruin my life but I am going to find out. You are apparently quite clever and deliberate. And this is what angers me the most. What have I done to you?

Last week my regional supervisor, let me emphasize, REGIONAL SUPERVISOR, called me into his office and accused me of downloading 450 megabytes of hard core, fetish and ethnic porn onto my network account. Either you know my screen saver password or you sit close by and can see exactly when I leave my desk because I did not do that. I was stunned and appalled at the accusation even after my REGIONAL SUPERVISOR showed me the files with my account number next to them. He told me that there were over 72 minutes of high resolution, pornographic movies with bad lighting and fake accents and that such use of company property is grounds for dismissal. Like I told my supervisor (Christ, a REGIONAL SUPERVISOR!), I did not download those files. Somebody else must have been on my computer while I was away.

Guess what else happened last week? My wife found porn sites bookmarked on our home computer while she was paying our bills and hasn't slept with me since. Surprised? I bet. That's probably just what you wanted to happen. She won't even stay in the same room with me except to yell at me for neglecting my whole life for the sake of porn. Isn't that ridiculous? ME, a porn addict? Me, the second highest rated sales manager in the region; THE REGION! I hope you're satisfied.

What scares me the most is the power you have to infiltrate my life. For all I know this could be some sort of fetish; ruining people's lives through your own perversion. That is sick, sick, sick! Who knows? Maybe one day I'll see me getting fired while a sinewy Vietnamese traffic cop, rubbing herself on a parking meter and eating a Bavarian crème doughnut grinds away on my computer on my computer!

When I find you, I'm going to tie you up and torture you with an item from my private collection of whips until you freely decide to go around and apologize to every member of my professional and private arenas for all the damage and heartache you have caused.

And if I find out that you are also the one who installed X-10 cameras behind my toilets, you better wish you had never been born.

David Gerald