Things O/Usama bin Mohamed bin Laden Could Have Done If He Wasn't Such A Fucking Prick

• Conduct a brutal, incessant media campaign against the US in which President Bush is portrayed as the barely literate, bumbling son of a powerful family who was elected in the most dubious election in American history and who wants to do stuff like land an American on the Sun.
• Send faithful drones to flight school, then order them to highjack four sky writers to write something terribly clever and scathing above Times Square.
• Send other, artistically bent drones to art school, have them emphasize their studies in sculpture, then dispatch them to Mt. Rushmore and have them modify the faces to resemble members of the Village People.
• Win the X-Games, then, during the live, post X-Games interview say "America, you thought you could fuckin' ollie!?! Look who's ollieing now!!! A fuckin' Muslim!! MutherFurckers!!!!"
• Wait outside Rockefeller Center for the Today Show cameras with a sign that reads, "America, yo' mama so fat, that when she was cremated, the North American Plate rose four feet due to isostasy."
• Invite President and Laura Bush over for dinner. Leave an hour before they show up, wait silently in the bushes outside your front door, then giggle your ass off while the Bushes knock repeatedly on your door and say, "Damn that Osama! We flew 12,086 miles and that asshole ain't home! What a jerk
• Send bands of your oh-so-pious drones on missions to America. Spread the word of Islam door-to-door. Gain support through charitable works. Travel by bicycle!
• Get cast in TV's All My Children. In your acceptance speech for your daytime Emmy, thank Allah. Walk back six rows behind your seat. Kiss wife. Return to your seat. Continue Soap Opera career. Repeat.
• Protest "peacefully." That's slang for "without slamming jumbo jets into large structures heavily populated with people just trying to make it through the day, fuck-head!"
• Spend the $90/hour on therapy. Write memoirs.
• Burn an American flag. Burn 5700 of them; or more while doing any of the above.
• Stay home and count your money!
• Pick up a hookah pipe, turn up The Doors and say, "Ah, fuck it man!"