Mounting Evidence Indicates Traffic Is Dangerous

Several months ago, Special The Rag Correspondent Jon Black almost jumped on board a metal rod that flew through his windshield (driver's size, eye level), and rode it to deathville. The Rag resident researchers, a scientist, a social scientist, and a conservative radio talk-show host, wondered why. They embarked on a several-month-minus-eight-weeks-for-vacation-long quest to find out. Their shocking conclusions are reported below, beneath the words "Automobile Travel Is Dangerous - Empirical, Colloquial And Editorial Proof."

Automobile Travel Is Dangerous - Empirical, Colloquial And Editorial Proof

By Dr. R. David Dallmeyer, Dr. Julie Crowe, and Kevin "The Voice Of The Valley" Gross

In 2000, 41,821 people were killed in automobile accidents. 3,236,000+/-1000 were injured. This is up 41,821 and 3,236,000+/-1000 persons respectively from 1900. Out of a population of 274,663,905, that's 0.01522624532699336667480934562552% dead per year. Clearly the next victim could be you. Granted approximately 2,398,588 people that travel our American roads were not counted in the last census because they're here illegally. However, now that I think about it, those Mexicans generally ride 8-10 to a car. So the odds are slightly in your favor, loyal, tax-paying American Citizen. As they should be.

These statistics are not only alarming, they're telling. In any given 900 year period, you are absolutely certain to die in an automobile accident. From a pure saftey standpoint, cars and living beings simply don't mix. But what are you going to do; stop driving just because some liberal "stink-tank" tells you you might hurt somebody doing it? No, you're going to march right in there and tell those pinkos that you have the right to choose your own doctor and buy as many uzis as you want to. Besides, if your car is big enough, you don't need to worry about things like danger. I, Kevin "The Voice Of The Valley" Gross, recommend the 2002 Hummer H2. Always have the right of way in a Hummer!

In addition to the loss of and damage to human life, automobile accidents also account for over $92,000,000,000 in property damages and lost wages. Imagine all those ruined M-class Mercedes. All that rich leather and fine, German engineering. It makes me sad to think of a car that once had over 300hp and yet felt so smooth on my fat ass, is now a smoking pile of twisted metal and leather in some trash heap. Which really pisses us off because most accidents can just be avoided by not letting women drive.

We have determined several root causes for this phenomenon, through measurement, observation and opinion.

1. The forces required to accelerate a 2000 lb car to 70mph in any direction are generally sufficient to render human flesh inoperable.
2. The isolation modern Americans feel from traveling almost exclusively alone in climates adjusted perfectly to their liking, while listening to exactly what they want, and feeling the freedom of $500.00 car payments, is enough to resent other humans for their distance. This breeds an animosity that manifests itself in "Ain't Skeerd" bumper stickers and a feeling of disinterest in whether or not everyone dies.
3. Women are allowed to drive. (See "Women Are Bad Drivers. Period." By R. D. Dallmeyer, J. Crowe, and K. "T. V. O. T. V." Gross for proof that they shouldn't).