Book I: How things got to be this wayOrigins
Way back in olden days, dark matter formed itself into a mass. That mass named itself "Oreida." For a long time Oreida was alone, until finally he spoke, saying, "Is anybody there? I thought I heard something." Oreida looked around, but saw nothing. He went nervously back to bed and pulled the covers up over his head. In doing so, he finally reached critical mass and collapsed into a self-sustaining atomic fusion reaction. He changed his name that morning to "Ralston," but the boys downtown called him "Sizzle."
Earth and Life
Ralston's buddy Nick made Earth and Life one day after a three-martini lunch.
Good and Evil
As Ralston aged and became larger and redder, he decided to take a wife. From among all the heavenly bodies he chose a massive little thing called "Birdseye." Unfortunately, after bearing two sons, her explosive beauty erupted spectacularly, leaving only a colorful cloud behind.
Ralston's oldest son, Dorito, had the self-confidence and charm so typical of the chosen prince of the universe. However, Ralston's younger son, Purina, felt the full weight of the near miss with greatness. His love for his father turned slowly to burning hatred as his attempts to gain attention and to please the patriarch were rebuffed or ignored. He started more and more to hang out with the White Dwarves by the reservoir. It was about this time he began consuming gas giants. Finally, he was arrested and sent to isolation where he couldn't draw anyone else into his orbit.
As Dorito grew into a bright young yellow, Ralston began to keep more to his bed with his slippers on saying, "I just can't shake this chill." The end near, Dorito determined to convince Purina to come back and see his father one last time, hoping to spark a reconciliation. Surprisingly, Purina agreed to the meeting without question.
The meeting began well enough. Purina seemed the perfect prodigal, apologetic and warm. "Father, I am here in the hopes that we can finally come together."
"Son, I fear your failures are born from my own." It went on in this way long enough for Dorito to start getting bored. That's when Purina made his move. Purina leapt onto his father's bed, both hugging and smothering, mingling himself with his father into one greater entity. As Purina spoke his voice grew deeper and deeper, "Now, Dorito, who shall rule? I am both son and father."
Dorito fell to his knees grief-stricken, covering his eyes. He heard Purina's booming voice, but in it was panic, "What is happening, what is happening?!" Dorito looked up. His grief moved in turn from horror to wonder as the massive body began to sputter and collapse. Falling and falling from the grand sphere smaller and smaller until Ralston/Purina shrank nearly out of sight. There, like a crumb on the bed of the great ruler lay a dark speck. A tiny voice, almost inaudible, buzzed from up from the crumb. Dorito had to strain to hear, fearing to get any closer.
"I'm still ruler. I am still both father and son. I will take what is mine. I will reign!" As he finished the bed crumpled and was consumed by the black dot. Then the table lamp and bedside table. Then the rug and portrait of Birdseye. The whole room was sucked in, crushed, and destroyed.
Dorito knew there was no way to get rid of his brother, but left him in the void he was creating around himself saying, "Rule? You will only rule darkness. Reign? You will reign over nothing. Rule? Don't be so dense."
End Times
With his old pal dead, and all the women losing interest, Nick moved to Tahiti. He vowed that before he dies he will devour all his works with flame. Before he could follow through on this he lost Earth to Ralston/Purina playing poker in a bar in Bora Bora.
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Tales from the floor
Ever wonder what a floor would say if it could talk? Well ours does (and it's a "she", not an "it". Sorry.) Have a listen The Rag's 2001 Emmy Award Predictions
Sneak a Peek
Criticism of Water #4
It's more dense than fat.
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