Book II: What You Should Do About It

The Teachings of Ralston

• Eat slowly. Chew each bite.
• When the world around you is ice-covered start from a stop in second gear.
• If you hear something strange in your house, check the roof for squirrels.
• Love is eternal. Desire is diurnal. Maples are desiduous.
• I know this is going to sound like I'm beating a dead horse, but you really should move to the metric system.
• Why is my toothbrush wet? Who the hell has been using my toothbrush?

  The Epistles of Birdseye

  1 To Zane

  To whom it may concern,
  I bought the enclosed pearl necklace at your store last Thursday. When I put it on the very first time it broke and spilled out all over the floor. With your store closed and no acceptable alternative, I was force to attend my husband's Christmas party with NO NECKLACE. I expect and deserve some compensation for the mental hardship your merchandise has caused me. If I am not satisfied I will call the Consumer Action Network (Clark Howard) and tell them what happened.
  
  Sincerely,
  Birdseye
  
  2 To Purina

  Purina,
  Your room is a mess.
  You left your bike on the front lawn again.
  Don't slam the back door.
  And last night was your night to do the dishes.
  
  3 To Terminix

  Eddie,
  You said you guaranteed that the treatment would take care of our squirrel problem, but last night I was up most of the night listening to the little bastards run up and down our roof. I expect and deserve some satisfaction for the emotional pain this has cause me. If I am not satisfied I will call Arrow by week's end.
  
  Sincerely,
  Birdseye
  
  4 To Dorito

  My dearest son,
  By the time you get this letter I will be dead. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about how much more I love you than your brother.
  
  Yours,
  Mom
  
  

  The Parables of Dorito

  The Candle
  Marguerite, a poor widow, went to St. Eustache to ask about her husband's eternal soul. St. Eustace told her that her husband would return once more to her in the night, but that she would need to burn a light for him to find her in the night's darkness. From that day forward, she burned a candle in her window each night, replacing the spend puddles of wax with new candles two and three times each night

  St. Eustache is heavily vested in paraffin.
  
  The Sandwich
  Once, a young man bought of his own hard earned money a turkey on rye sandwich. He ate half of it immediately. Having satiated his hunger, he re-wrapped the remaining half and placed it in the fridge, marking it carefully with his name.

  The next day the sandwich was gone. Seeing as how there are only three other people that have access to the fridge, and two of them are mom and dad, I think we all know who ate the other half. If you read Book I you know what happens to him.
  
  The Foundling
  Upon a distant shore a slave mother of an illegitimate son despaired at the life she knew was in store for her son: persecution, ridicule and slavery. So, she set him adrift upon the great Nile in a basket she made of inflated rubbers.

  Alligators ate him.
  
  The Seeds
  My friend Albert and I had an idea that we would collect all the seeds from the pot we smoked and start growing our own. Free weed right? Well, Albert's kind of a pot-head and when he ran out of pot he tried to smoke a seed. We all know it just burns, is harsh, and doesn't get you high, but he tried anyway. So, when that didn't work, he ATE THE FUCKING SEEDS. At first he tried to say that squirrels had gotten into his place and eaten the seeds, but once I had him on the ground with my knee in his eyesocket, the truth came out.

  He says he felt something, got a little high. But I think he's just covering since we spent all that time collecting the seeds. Anyway, since he didn't chew, we're going to plant his shit.

  The Songs of Nick

  Song 1: The Rivers Do Flow
  The rivers do flow wherever they will.
  The squirrels do shit on cars.
  O Man, look to the heavens still,
  There are no squirrels on Mars.
  
  Song 5: Heavy Upon My Brow
  The aether is heavy upon my brow.
  A souse is hunched over the toilet.
  If I don't get to a stall right now
  I'm afraid I'm going to soil it.
  
  Song 17: I Burn't My Youth Brightly
  I burn't my youth brightly in bars and bordellos
  E'er chasing beauty's perfect debasement.
  I adorned ruby nipples with limes and marshmellows,
  Never asking what "Sit on my face" meant.
  
  In my age was I struck with the horror of my ways
  Thinking "How could my mind be so narrow?"
  I hurried myself to the convent St. Mary's
  Drank their wine and in each did my seed sow.
  
  Song 24: Cruisin' in My Slammed Escort
  O God, Marlboro Reds are two and a quarter
  And six pack of Bud is four bucks.
  Who the hell can expect me to properly court her?
  To the Dorals she says, "What the fuck?"