The Birds And The Bees

Dear Parents,
Raising kids is hard. Every choice you make will have an irrevocable impact on your child’s life. Peanut butter or peanut butter and jelly? Dress her yourself or let her pick out her own clothes? Baseball or soccer? Your decisions now will weigh upon your child for the rest of her life. Teaching her to tie her shoes one way might lead to a life of accomplishment and contentment, teaching the other way could doom her to misery and self hatred. And there’s no way to tell if what you’re doing is right until it’s too late. But now there’s help. Introducing Pocket Parents, a series of brochures written for kids that explain to them, in language they both understand and enjoy, the difficult issues that you might screw up.

The first Pocket Parent, “The Birds And The Bees” is a frank and respectful discussion of sex and issues surrounding sex like love, regret and chocolate syrup. Give it to them as you're leaving the house to go to your next cocktail party and never worry about giving “the talk” again.

Hi. Do you ever wonder where you came from? Did you come from Heaven? No! Did you come from an egg? No, you didn’t come from an egg either! Maybe you came from the grocery store! Ok, ok, enough joking around. You came from your mom, right? You’re smart. You already knew that, but do you know how you got there?

See, half of you was already inside your mom in the form of a little round egg. You have been since the day she was born. Your mom has hundreds of thousands (which is even more than a million) of these little round eggs floating in her ovaries. Always has (and if you’re a girl, you have them too)! But only one of those eggs became you. Now, you might be asking yourself (since obviously your parents aren’t around to answer questions. I mean, why else did they give you this pamphlet? If they really cared, they would have told you this stuff themselves), “does that mean I have hundreds of thousands of half brothers and sisters inside my mom?” No, it doesn’t mean that. It doesn’t mean that at all. They’re just eggs. Human beings are a lot more than eggs. Watch.

The other half of you came from inside your father in the form of a sperm. Unlike the eggs in your mom, the sperm in your dad were not there ever since the time he was born. They only existed from about the time he last jacked off¹ to the time you started growing. That’s right. It takes both an egg and a sperm to make you. But how do they ever meet? Technically, it could happen anywhere², but usually, they meet like this:

Your father puts his penis into your mother’s vagina and the sperm shoots out of his penis into your mom, but not right away, hopefully. The sperm then swim around until one lucky sperm meets an egg. It burrows its way inside the egg and you start to grow. That’s right! Spooky, isn’t it? This process is called sex. Humans, dogs, horses, ocelot, alpacas, bunnies and koala all do this same thing. (There are plenty of theories why certain organisms opted for sexual reproduction and if you are interested, tell your parents to order our Pocket Parent called “Why Is Rover Playing Choo-Choo Train With That Other Dog? – Evolutionary Biology For Kids”).

So your dad scroggs your mom and that’s it, right? No, probably not. Dad didn’t just find mom naked on a bed somewhere and have his way with her before even introducing himself (unless you’re half Thai). See, sex among humans is pretty complicated. Before two people have sex, a lot of prep work has to be done (not to be confused with foreplay which we’ll get into never). The prep work is called courting, though not many people still use that word.
Man, we're sorry. Our editor tells us we have to stop writing. Issue V's gotta go out. So, guess you won't learn the secrets of courting and falling in love. Good Luck!

¹Jacking-off will be covered in Pocket Parent entitled "The Gollies and the Swells - All About Puberty."

²In vitro fertilization is a big commitment and shouldn't be done just because it feels good.