Tales From the Floor

Hello. Welcome to the floor. If I sound a little, oh, say, giddy, it’s because I am. I’m as giddy as a little mouse wearing a little plaid waistcoat! I can barely contain myself, for tonight (the minutes are ticking away as I write this) I, The Floor, am Matron of Honor of the Alakolaniki Ball! I really must control myself. No gentlewoman worth her lacquer carries on so. Shh, I hear the elevator chime. Listen...

Oh, ok. That was just the little man that waters the plant. Hi Luis, hi. (It really freaks him out when I yell his name. Look at him jump!) Ok, good. I have a few more minutes before the guests arrive. How do I look? Come on, you can be honest. I look fabulous! What? There’s carpet coming up? Where? Over by the pickle machine? I’ll take care of that. Thank you so much. Not that anyone goes over to the pickle machine except those writers. Still, a lady must be perfect for her ball. There they are. I can hear them. I can hear the elevator coming up. 3..2..1..0..-1..-2.. Ok, it went to a different floor. I’m sure it was just another custodial staff. Because I know that bitch Floor 14 is not throwing a party on the night of my Ball. I KNOW THAT BITCH FLOOR 14 ISN’T THROWING A PARTY TONIGHT!!

Look at me, I’m a nervous wreck. Everything’s going to be fine. Everything’s going to be fine. The punch is potent, the food is evenly spread and you look absolutely divine.

Here they come, here they come! Hi Lester. (Lester is the head of security.) Is there anyone behind you? Anyone in a fabulous gown or top hat and tails? Anyone wearing a tiara? Anyone at all? Lester, the lights went out. Lester, where are you going...?

Lester obviously wasn’t informed of the evening’s plans. He has turned off all the lights. Now when my fabulous guests arrive, they’ll think they’re on the wrong floor. Hello? Someone turn on the lights. I’m the right floor! I’m the right floor!!