The Conspiracy Machine

Tony Spencer, of Cold Lakes, Michigan, recently talked to The Rag about his job in the Scenario Generation Division, Consumer Branch, of the super secret international organization The Conspiracy Syndicate.

The Rag: Tony, many of our readers will be unfamiliar with your employer. Can you give us a brief description of The Conspiracy Syndicate?

Tony Spencer: Sure, baby. Well, in Scenario Generation, where I work, we spend most of our time just trying to crack each other up. The way it works is this: the guys from up in Market Research & Sabotage will send us down what’s called a “focus.” Sometimes it’s a word like “cows.” Sometimes it’s an actual product, like a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. It’s our job to come up with a “conspiracy scenario” for the focus.

TR: I’m a little drunk. Can you give me an example?

TS: Sure, my man. Here’s a good one that happened just yesterday. Joey comes walking in rolling his eyes and says, “You’re gonna love this one,” and sets down a rubber. Yep, a Trojan rubber. He says, “MR&S says they need something that’s going to scare at-risk populations away from using rubbers, or at least to give them an excuse to go without.”

TR: Very interesting. Why would they want to do that?

TS: One thing you learn quick at ConSyn is you don’t ask why. We all talk about it when the MR&S people aren’t around. It seems like different reasons for different jobs. Sometimes it’s like there’s a company that someone doesn’t like, but then sometimes it’s like it’s just random, like the immunization thing. That’s classic. The guys over in Dissemination think it’s all got to do with lobby money, but that’s thinking WAY inside the box. We’re not working for any one government. Jesus.

TR: You mentioned the immunization thing. What is that?

TS: One day we get a focus: “Immunization. Make people afraid of it.” We’re like, what? We did some research, shot around some ideas, but nothing seemed right. Then Tim recalls one of our basic rules: When in doubt, just tell the truth. All these things have some sort of possible down side, right? Like the Chicken Pox vaccine. Something like 1 in 3 million die from. Just make ‘em scared it’s gonna be their little Johnny that buys it.

TR: That IS scary. I need a drink.

TS: Works great, see? 10,000 people a year die from the disease, but you just get the fear when you think about taking that chance with the needle. Of course, for laughs you can throw in something here and there about the government mixing in mind controlling substances and whatnot.

TR: What are some other examples of "scenarios" you thought up? Wait a second while I get some ice.
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Ok, shoot.

TS: Well, most of our time is taken up with dietary supplements, wheat grass, echinacea, lutein, that shit. But there are plenty of more interesting jobs. Let's see, there was Paul is dead, John is dead, pork is better than beef, smoking causes cancer, super-efficient cars the big 3 won't make, of course we arranged Angelica Huston's popularity--

TR: --Of course.--

TS: --mushrooms as food, the illuminati, pro wrestling, Internet cookies, creationism, genetically modified food, racism, and giving your phone number when you buy something at Radio Shack, just to name a few.

TR: Wow, you guys sure stay busy. Anything about communists or secret weapons?

TS: I don't work in politics or military.

TR: Oh. Well, what’s the best one you ever came up with?

TS: Well, I’ll tell ya’. The hardest thing we ever got was the order to revitalize the crop circle thing. It’s been like a decade since they caught kids in the fields with boards and ropes. Debunked, done, over. Then we get the order.

TR: What did you do?

TS: Have you seen the cover of the Led Zeppelin box set?

TR: Nice. Before last call, I was wondering, what did you decide to do about the rubbers?

TS: You’ll see.