The Rag Guide To Picking Up Chicks

Modified from www.back.com

Donts

• Don't pick up the chick when your feet are too close together. If your feet are closer than shoulder width you'll have poor leverage, you'll be unstable, and you'll have a tendency to round your back and look dorky.
• Don't pick up chicks with your knees and hips straight and your lower back rounded. This dorky move is the most common and stressful bad picking-up-chicks move. Twisting the trunk during this bad move compounds the problem unless you're out dancing.
• Don't tense and arch the neck when picking up chicks. This crams your neck joints together and causes pain especially if maintained for a long period of time and it makes you look dorky.
• Don't pick up and/or carry an unbalanced chick for obvious reasons.
• Don't pick up a chick and bend too much in a short period of time. This will cause her to lose respect for you.
• Don't pick up chicks that are too heavy for you. It's not impressive.
• Don't pick up chicks directly following a sustained period of sitting, especially if you have been slouching. They notice these things.
• Don't pick up chicks overhead with your neck and back arched, if possible. If not, you're doing something right.

Dos

• Do place your feet and knees at least shoulder width apart or front to back in a wide-step position. This will help you bend at the hips, keeping your back relatively straight and stress free.
• Do lean over or squat with the chest and buttocks sticking out. Very sexy. If you do this correctly, your back will be flat and your neck will balance in a relaxed neutral position and you will get laid within 4 hours.
• Do take weight off one or both arms if possible even if it means getting on top. When you squat down or push back up, use your hand or elbow as support on your thigh or any available structure. Depending on the object, this might be illegal. Check local state law.
• Do balance your chick on either side if possible, or switch sides so that both sides are equally stressed. This will make her feel secure.
• Do level the pelvis or tuck in your buttocks and suck in your abdomen when picking up a chick. This will make you look younger and less you. Keep your chest up and use a step stool (friend) to keep the low back and neck in neutral alignment, if necessary.
• Do walk around and use backward-bending and/or stomach-lying positions before or after picking up chicks, especially if you've been sitting for a while. She'll appreciate the variety.