Tales From the Floor

Complain about the cost of printer cartridges all you want but girl, listen, you don't know the troubles a floor sees. I know that you mobile types have a whole other set of problems and I'm not about to compare mine to yours because I am not the comparing type, but if you have been a floor, and I don't pity you because I'm not the pitying type either, but I know that you know what I'm talking about.

It all started on St. Valentine's Day or St. Valentine's Week as I like to call it, because that's how long it seems. I had planned on spending the day like I spend most days, lying around, unbathed, undressed, unmade-up, listening to whatever music they were listening to in the office (I remember very clearly that that day it was "The Heat" by the Dan Reed Network) but that's not what I ended up doing.

Not one half hour after I woke up did the elevator open up on me and said, "I have a message from the bathroom on Floor 13 (I'm 9, by the way. I don't know if I've ever revealed to you my number. I just didn't feel it was appropriate until now).

"Oh do you?" I asked. I've heard that 13th floor bathroom is quite the slut, so I really didn't care what that tart had to say.

"Yes, I do," said the elevator, who's really a nice man, a little on the homely side, but just the darlingest sweetheart.

"Well, what is it?"

"The bathroom on the 13th floor wanted me to tell you and all the other floors below her that she is leaking."

"Oh my G*d!" I whispered. "How did this happen?" I tried to sound concerned but actually I was scared shitless (pun intended girlfriend!) because I also know that that 13th floor is just awful to her and is not going to send someone in to fix that leak. Oh my G*d. I just thought of something. Maybe that's why she sleeps around so much. I shouldn't be so hard on her. But still, she doesn't care who comes into her. It's disgusting.

But enough about her problems, I was about to get leaked on! "Has she seeped to any of the other floors?" I asked the elevator?

"I'm afraid so ma'am. The leak has reached the 11th floor."

"Oh Jesus," I exclaimed. I was almost out of breath.

"Excuse me, ma'am, but I must be on my way. I have 10 more floors to break the news to, including the parking garage. Good day, madam," and he shut up and drifted below me.

The only floors between me and the leak were 11 and 10....

To be continued.