Civic Feng Shui

Everyone knows that disillusion, crime, drug abuse, and general negativity are concentrated in the world's urban centers.

Usually, facile and narrow explanations are thrown out for these social maladies: "It's the inhuman working conditions," "No, it's the abject poverty," "It's the sociological response to constant negative feedback and labeling as a failure."

Ha! Take a step out of your little conceptual box and take a look around. Look at the roads, the buildings, the juxtaposition of the yellow yield sign with the green point-of-interest sign. It's all a horrible mess. We're living in a nightmare of blocked spaces and clashing aural emitters.

If the scale of the settee in your living room is causing emotional edginess in your family (something my testily refuses to admit, but where is that testiness coming from, Frank? Hmm?), just imagine what yellow and white traffic lines on charcoal asphalt are doing city-wide.

First, we need to be able to picture our city as a whole. What is the overall feeling we want our urban center to project? I'm for broad strokes of affluent comfort accented with notes of artistic culture.

To really do this right, the axe must be laid to the root. First, we need to get rid of the overall feeling of clutter by razing the entire city, roads and all.

Then, once the natural landscape is apparent, we can begin to look at swatches that match the foliage and geological features. For affluence, I suggest sticking with light neutrals. Frank prefers dark wood and leather, but neutrals are easier to match.

See how easy it is to get started? Once the base colors and design for the infrastructure are done (roads in mauve? just a thought) we'll have a framework to fill in with office buildings, public transport, museums, sports arenas, housing projects, etc.; all chosen to harmonize with their space.

Who is going to pop some toothless motherfucker for a bump when they are surrounded in the cosmic hug of pleasant soft hues blending with the green trees and blue sky?

Who is going to hide in the YWCA locker-room, abduct and imprison young girls for forced fellatio when their spirits are alight upon the progressive leveling of city hall, the basketball arena, and the Invesco building?

And, if we choose high-quality products in classic styles, we won't need to redo it for 7-10 years.