Anniversary Gift Advice for Men

For men only: Women, please don’t read this. Gifted as you are with superior insight and depth of feeling, please allow us this forum for male fellowship focused on improving our relationships with you.

Thank you.



When it’s your anniversary, don’t be like every other dirt bag out there showing up with some flowers, or worse, a piece of mall jewelry. Show a little creativity now, while she’s still trying to figure you out. Once she thinks you care, you can slack off. She’ll always have an idea that just behind that vacuous gaze is a coiled hotbed of inspiration.

Here are some ideas for “The Best Anniversary Gift Ever:”

1. Anything you make yourself is a sure fire hit (as long as it’s not cigars or bullets). Try painting or papier mache. The best thing to make is something naturey that you can pretend reminds you of her (butterflies, birds, or some shit).
2. Bake something. Well, buy something, then put it in a Tupperware and say you baked it. Avoid cakes, which are easier to spot as store bought. Cookies are perfect.
3. Donate to a world relief fund in her name. With little effort, this can be faked.
4. The “tune up:” Take a half-day off for an “appointment.” Go to her work and announce that you are taking her car in for a “tune up.” Drive to an early happy hour for a few beers. Return her car and walk into her office like a hero for a big kiss. For big anniversaries, tell her there was something wrong with the brakes that cost $262 dollars. Spend an extra hour at the bar.
5. Give her “coupons” for doing things she might like, like a back rub, foot massage, anything that might lead to sex.
6. Serenade her with new lyrics to a favorite song. Even if you can’t sing, your pathetic attempt will be interpreted as endearing. Here’s an example to the tune of “Wouldn’t It Be Nice:” “Wouldn’t it be nice to lick my boulders, then you could swallow up my schlong. I could dress like agent Mulder, the truth is right here in this bong. Another year together we’ll be spending. Maybe invite one of your hot friends in. Wouldn’t it be nice?” etc.