BUSH KNEW!NEWLY UNEARTHED INAUG SPEECH REVEALS BUSH TOTALLY KNEW
Reported by Josh di Donato
The Rag has recently found the top secret, national security-threatenin’ notes of the original inauguration speech that George Bush wrote all by his self. The flagrant badness of the syntax and sentence structure meant that his advisers who could read had to completely revamp it into the speech that was read. We’ve taken the liberty of correcting the spelling errors, which number in the hundreds, in a way that says, “We stand by our President, even if he can’t spell democracy.”
My fellow Americans, in this country, we run for president when we want to be it, and sometimes, even if we don't get the most votes, we still get to be president. That is because America is the best country out of all countries, no matter what happens to us. Even if something horribly tragic were to happen to us, like planes crashing into something, I’m sure I can turn it into a positive for me personally, and use it to further my political agenda.
I want to thank Mr. Gore for being a big spoilsport- as they say on the playground, to you I say "nanny nanny billy goat." It is so awesome to stand here where my Dad and probably many others have stooded before me, and probably more will later have stooded.
We are all in a long storybook story, a story which we do not know the end of it, because the story is not over. But we are characters in it, and if we are rich, we have others who will read and explain us this story. It is the story of a new world that had gone away from the olden world of oldness. The story of us having slaves, and then we had to give our slaves back, because someone told us it was wrong. The story of people who are not perfect or responsible, but still in charge- united across generations of rich people like me and my Daddy, plus poor people like you and all the dirty poor people in your family. A story where I know about this one really bad part, and you get to find out about it later.
We are united by me being in charge over you, and you are now united by ideals which stand tall in their strongness, ideals like "from now on, what I say goes." There is an ideal that everyone in this country should be allowed to live, even if they are poor and dirty like you. We have laws that make us have to put up with you people who are not privileged, and though I sometimes forget why, I still usually do it anyway. But the greatest ideal, is - I Deal with my father's appointees, They Deal with Gore and details like who got the most votes, and now You Deal with me.
For the last century, which I've been told ended just twenty days ago, and not last year like everybody said, America, which is the name of this country, was a rock and roll baby in a hospital full of boring-old-people-musical-hospital-babies in the sea of the universe of things that are like music.
Our democracy is more than a word, it's a whole bunch of words put together, and a seed you plant in other countries, and a creed, not like race, color or creed, or Creed the rock band, but creed the thing you act like you're gonna stick by, even if you don't know what it means, because your Dad told you you had to. We have democracy not to own, but so that we can OWN THINGS, and we pass along the savings to you, the American person. And yet, we must still travel more on the road of traveling, and do whatever our dad or God, whichever comes first, tells us to do. Especially if we want a second term.
Many of our citizens succeed, but some do not. These loser-type people may be thinking that they will always be big losers and will never be in charge of a baseball team or an oil company given to them by their Dad's friends, but it's up to us to encourage them to hope for some huge thing to happen like a billionaire will help them out because their dad made it possible, even though they have failed in business many times. Well I am here today to tell you, if you ever get three or four chances to start over fresh with money from a billionaire friend of your dad's, you should totally take all of those chances, because you never know when you will luck into that one time when you don't fail.
Many people in this country can't do all they want- they have to go to bad schools, just because they don't have lots of money, or someone like me makes it hard for them with prejudice, because they are black or brown or any other color that I am not. Sometimes we seem so different, I want to run away from you different-looking people, but then I have advisers to remind me that I must act like I am not afraid of you.
This nation is four things, because my dad said four would be catchy, plus I could remember it gooder- We are civil, courageous, compassionate, and something about character, which doesn't make sense when I say it in this list, but I will explain to you later like it was explained to me.
Our nation is a civil one- Civil because of the Civil War we had, and the civil rights we had to give to Blacks because they and the Jews wouldn't quit bugging us. Civil because you can't just go walk up to some guy and pop him in the face or give him a noogie, or even prevent his vote from being manually counted- in our society we must have one of our dad's friends do it for us, but in a way that cannot be traced to us.
Our nation is courageous- Because we are not afraid of anyone, except poor people and Jesse Jackson. Soon, I hope to help us add to list of things to be afraid of. Here’s a hint- it rhymes with cherubs.
Together, we will reform Social Security and Medicare, not because we want to, but because I'm told we're supposed to. We will reduce taxes, especially for billionaires, because when billionaires are happy, the economy is happy.
Under the presidency of me, we will build our defenses, and we will find an enemy we can really be proud of trying to kill. Our enemies, whoever they may be once we find them, are bad men, probably with scary unkempt beards, and need to be taught a lesson. Once we figure out that lesson, we will shoot that lesson at them with really fancy laserbeams that will destroy their bad man fortress and save the princess of democracy. She is trapped up there in that area, afraid to roll her hair down, because Old Man Enemy, whoever we decide they should be, will be saying nasty things and trying to have his way with her.
We must stop our enemies, but first we must have a national tragedy so that we can identify our enemies, or else how are we gonna stop them! Our strength will be something to brag about and wave in the faces of the world. Hey world, we will soon say, look at our Fancy Laserbeam Star Wars Strength. World, you are so moted. Moted, Corroded, your booty exploded.
America is compassionate. We know that we must do something about the poorness that the dirty poor people have, not because it's the right thing to do, but so that they will not revolt, like they did in France, when they chopped off the heads of rich people. My fellow Americans, I pledge to you that I will do everything I possibly can to not get my head chopped in the next four years, or ever. I will do what I can to put off any bloody revolution at least until I am gone, and maybe it will probably happen after I am dead, hopefully of natural causes. If some bad people were to crash into a thing for some reason, I’m sure the outpouring of compassion will far outweigh any concern over whether I am a good leader or not. One really good way to show compassion for innocent deaths that could have been prevented is to fly the American flag, so stock up now!
In America, personal responsibility means you are responsible for yourself, which is so great, because then the government doesn't have to worry about you. It requires lots of sacrifice on your part, and lots of acting like I care on mine. Which I'm not very good at doing without smirking, but I promise, by September 10 or so, I will have completely licked the smirking thing, and will really seem concerned about stuff, especially the most tragicest. That’s just a randomly selected date I gave myself, by the way.
In America today, the family comes first, actually second after God, but not really because I have to act like God does not control my decisions. But of course he's controlling everything, he's God!
Sometimes in life we are called to do great things. A great person once said every day we are called to do small things with great love." I believe it is up to us how much love we do it with, and it is also up to us to do the smallest thing possible with the least effort for the most political gain. I pledge to you I will do as little as possible, while seeming to be trying to help. And though it will not help, at least I will not be smirking so much, so that's a start. That last part was the thing about character. Because if you do things that looks like you're helping other people, even if you are not, that's called character.
I will live by these principles as far as you know, and I think it's probably best for history's sake if I list them again- civil, courage, compassion, character.
Another great person once said in a speech my advisers read to me, that an angel rides in the whirlwind, like a big mean biker on a Harley, kicking the living shit out of our enemies and directing the storm of bad things headed our way. I will be that angel, that biker and that storm of bad things.
We are not the storybook story's author, but we have paid the author to make it look like we wrote it, and as far as I can tell, the ending goes like this-I will stay rich, things will be just about the same with fewer rights for women and travelers, and we’ll have a really bad and mean enemy, plus no one will chop my head off. Just remember this- the World Trade Center is not so great.
God Bless America, especially the Christians, and members of all those other, wrong religions.
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| Rocko's Fun Science Fact | | Cats with standard fire crackers anally ignited beat ones with lady fingers 3 to 1. Larger explosives yield diminishing returns. |
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