Guide to Working With Reanimated Corpses

Sure, we know what it's like. You've just been assigned to a high profile new project, the kind you've been waiting for all year. You're very excited about the possiblities this project brings you. You're brimming with ideas and vigor. But also assigned to the project is Martha, a newly reanimated account manager who was killed in a car crash last fall. The problem is that, while you liked Martha just fine while she was alive, the very site of her ashen gray lips and her yellow eyes now makes your skin want to crawl right off your bones. In short, her new “lifestyle” sickens you to the core. Your manager said, "Get over it. She's the same old Martha she always was, except now, she doesn't need lunch breaks. Ha ha hahaha!!" But you don't find it funny. You don't find it at all funny.

Don't despair. We've all been there. We've all been forced to hold meetings outdoors and upwind. We've all had to clean up embalming fluid left behind on our desks by coworkers whose skin just doesn't hold in moisture like it used to. We've all felt that cold, wistful stare of a reanimated corpse while we eat.But you gotta work, right? You can’t just run away from every reanimated corpse you run across, right? So The Rag has thrown together some sure-fire techniques for getting along with reanimated corpses in the workplace.*

1. I’m uncomfortable around zombies. I don’t know how to act. - First of all, do not refer to them as zombies. You may hear them use the word in the presence of each other, but in communication with living persons, it’s very disrespectful. Use the terms reanimated corpse (RC), inert, or Martha. Secondly, just think of RCs as regular people who have no fear of death whatsoever.
2. I just can't stand the smell. I throw up everytime I'm near him/her. - Yes. This is a common complaint of living persons when they are first introduced to a reanimated corpse. They smell that way because they have toxin-producing bacteria eating their flesh. This is a side effect of the inferior reanimation process that many HMOs currently provide. Quality reanimation involves a complicated and time-consuming drying process and costs more money than most people and institutions are able to spend. As a result, most Marthas are veritable petri dishes for methane- and sulfur-producing bacteria. But don't worry, this smell rarely lasts more than two weeks depending on climate. And in fact, once the stench goes away, Marthas never exhibit any body odor at all. In the meantime, shove perfumed wads of cotton up your nose then sew your nostrils shut with removable stitches. And while immune to the smell, take a swab, wipe it across his skin, and give it to your kid. Viola! Instant science fair project.
3. She keeps wearing the same clothes every day and her hair's always messed up. - Oh boy. Marthas are set in their ways, aren't they? Listen, if you think it’ll make her feel better about herself, and if you really have her well-being in mind, then go ahead and give her some beauty tips. She used to be a person too, you know. She’ll appreciate it. Otherwise, why do you care how she looks? You're there to work towards maximum company productivity, not to look schnazzy.
4. My religion dictates that I should revile them as soulless demons - Hahahahahahahahahahhaaa! Hahahahhaahaahaha.
   Hahahhahahahhahahah ahhaah hahahahah!!
   Hahahahha. Hahahahhahha Ha ha ha.
   Heh.
   
   Heh.
   
   huh.
   
   Hahahaha hahh hahah ahahaha ha ha ha ha ha hahahahahahah!!!!
   You’re pretty funny. Hehe.
5. He keeps stealing my stapler - Hmm. Call building security.
6. He drives like a maniac - This is a difficult moral dilemma pitting fundamental core values against each other. Inerts and living persons never can agree on the sanctity of life. This is often a cause for real strife. Just be firm. Most Marthas are reasonable people. If you fear for your life, simply ask him to slow down. If he refuses, there’s really nothing you can do about it because RCs are also incredibly strong.
7. He keeps threatening to kill me - Follow the steps outlined in the above answer. Just remember to be firm, yet polite. If you are in immediate danger and must defend youself, tie the reanimated corpse to a dead tree with dead vines. Law hasn’t caught up to technology and it’s still legal to “kill” a reanimated corpse.
8. I dunno, they just give me the creeps. I just don’t like them. - Your parents have raised you to be a prejudiced swine. Build a successful hip-hop career by singing about it.