Counter Evolutionaries

First off, we’re not some wacko creationists trying desperately to make reality fit their myth. We are real scientists that have simply gotten fed up with evolution. We have several complaints.

First, evolution is SO slow. It takes, like, millions of years. Who’s got that kind of time? My university expects me to publish every quarter. They don’t like to hear, “Yeah, but I just need to wait 23 more generations to see if the vestigial toes disappear.”

Second, and one of the reasons why it’s so slow, is that evolution is fucking random, man. I mean, please, I want a third arm now. Don’t make me wait and pray for a spontaneous genetic mutation. How much time do you spend giving a star-nosed mole more nose feelers until you realize that 15 or so was plenty? Or, how about having babies with heads so big that they tend to die and kill the mothers in childbirth? Hasta la vista, Neanderthal, we’ll stick with the 1200cc brain. Millions of years that end up at "oops."

Third, evolution doesn’t even make sense in today’s world. Ok, so I can’t hold my breath as long as my brother Doug, so does that ass go on to reproduce? Come ON, how out of touch is that? I reproduce because I have a good job and a sweet ride. My brother gets nothing because he’s installing carpet and spending his free time sitting on the couch watching TV. The lazy bastard didn’t even call ma on her birthday because he “fell asleep.”

As you can see, evolution just isn’t acceptable. So we created the Counter-Evolutionaries to come up with some alternatives to evolution and to fix some of its mistakes. We don’t have a lot yet since Hank has had midterms and Ruth is busy with some guy she met on the Internet. But here’s some of our first ideas.

First, let’s just make the pets we want. I like dogs. My girl, Frieda, likes cats. Boom, we make a Dat. Once we work out the dog and cat genomes, we can just pick and choose the features from each that we like. Looks like a cat, cleans itself like a cat, uses the box like a cat, but comes when you call it and gets you beer like a dog.

Second, no more just having babies whenever you want. There needs to be an application process with strongly argued reasons for reproduction, and support for your thesis about the benefit your offspring will bring to the overall gene pool. We’re working on some suggestions for how to do this. Mostly, we think we may be able to invoke a satellite-based chi destroying force-field, then have conjugal chambers that block the field out. Anyway, you’ll hear about it when it happens.

Third, male pattern baldness.

Finally, let's take it down a notch, and reach out to the biologists out there. We say just stop wasting time studying the existing species. In the big scheme of things it’s like studying a single still photograph of a raging river. What’s the point, to understand the diversity? Oh, look how the water is bubbling up over here and that moss is on that stick! Whoopty freakin’ do.

We’ll have some more ideas soon, and will be taking action to put some of them into effect. This is our first press release. Thanks to the people at The Rag for allowing us this space to reach out.

My parting reminder is this: Nature is slow, stupid, out of touch. Make evolution your bitch.

P.S. See, Kim, I told you we aren’t just a bunch of losers, you're the loser.