Don't Let Your Loser Friends Get You Down

Have you ever felt depressed, ever? Have you experienced feelings of loneliness or isolation? Even just once? Have you felt unloved or unwanted, at any point in your life, no matter if these feelings had any basis in reality?

If you answered "Yes" to any of these questions, or if you answered "No" to any of these questions, don't worry: help is available. And it doesn't even involve taking a bunch of pills to alter your brain chemistry (although that might help also.)

You see, I too once felt lonely, depressed, and unloved, but then I realized that I personally did not deserve these ooky feelings. They were coming from my so-called friends! And you know what else I realized? I DESERVED BETTER.

Now I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty darn close, and I know that I love myself way too much to get my own self all bummed out. So when I suspected all my friends were whiny jerk-offs I immediately grabbed the car keys and went out to make a whole new batch of best friends.

Things went a little bumpy at first. Apparently it's hard to make new friends in the laundromat, the library, the men's bathroom at Long John Silver's, or the check cashing place down the street. I went door to door in some swanky neighborhoods, but that got me nowhere. A bus driver got positively snippy when I tried to strike up a conversation. I thought I had scored a new best friend at the corner of Boulevard and Ralph McGill, but it turned out that "Shorty" just wanted to sell me something. Very disappointing. In my book such crass capitalism is just as bad as the stuff my old friends wanted me to do, like bringing my own booze to a party.

But just when I was considering moving to a friendlier city I discovered the absolute best place in the world to make new friends: in a bar! Yep, after I bought the third round of Jagermeister shots, me and "the dudes" had bonded for life. I mean, these guys were great! Loud, friendly, and very appreciative of my generosity. We had a total blast that night. Not even once did they try to tell me about their bankrupt pension plans or their mother's breast cancer. Man, I cannot believe I put up with my old, lame friends and their "problems" for so long.

Currently I seem to have misplaced the phone numbers I wrote down for "the dudes." And I'm a little hazy on their names and what they looked like, but I do remember we made some solid plans to regroup next Saturday at Kaya, or maybe the Earl or Manuel's or the Cheetah or MJQ or the Clairmont Lounge. So if you are one of "the dudes," or if you are a cool person looking for a new best friend (my old friends need not apply) be sure to go out drinking somewhere this weekend. I'll be there.