Transcript from Newly Discovered Osama bin Laden Tape

Bin Laden is in a cave dressed in his white hat and white and gold robe

God’s peace and blessings be upon you. Hello, I am Osama bin Laden. Perhaps you’ve heard of me or seen me on television. Well? What do you think? I am tall. Very tall for an Arab. Very, very tall. Do you like tall men? I am tall. Praise be to Allah. There is no other God but him. As you may have read, my soldiers and I have started a Jihad, a holy war against the Infidels. I have soldiers, yes. I have a whole army of faithful servants that would die at my slightest command. Impressed? You should be. We have torched the infidel skies, brought mighty fortresses crumbling to the earth. We have shown many men the righteous path to martyrdom, God’s peace and blessings be upon them. I have done all this for you, Jodie Foster, yet still, you do not love me. When I call, you pretend to be the maid. When I email you, you do not email me back, when I log on to AOL’s Instant Messenger, you log off. I do not know what else to do. When people see a strong horse and a weak horse, by nature, they will like the strong horse. I am a strong horse. What more can I do to show you that? Praise be to Allah. May he feed us with righteousness and burp us when he’s done.

Are you upset that I attack and terrorize your people? That I vow to destroy your way of life? That I’m a crazed, paranoid zealot? I’m sorry. I thought you’d like that. I thought that would turn you on.

Oh, I know. You’re upset about my other wives. It’s true. I do have other wives. May Allah strike them dumb and highly flammable. These women, these other wives, they are but business acquisitions. Currency if you will. Fruits of shrewd negotiating by a Strong Horse. Tokens. Slaves. Livestock. Really. I don’t even consider them women, much less human. They mean nothing to me. In fact, I’ll order one killed right now.

(bin Laden dials cell phone)

Yes. I demand that one of my wives be killed immediately. May Peace be upon you. I don’t care which one. Praise Allah. (pause) What do you mean “who is this?”? Wait, who is this? Eight seven two one one five nine? I’m sorry. I have misdialed. But kill someone anyway. (laughter) May Allah wrap you in a towel he just used. (hangs up phone)

Ok, we’ll do that later. Jodie, what can I do to get your attention? How strong must a horse be to win your heart? You do like strong horses, don't you? How many innocent civilians, maybe even people you know, must die before you’ll go out with me? Look at me. I’m desperate. I’m coming to you live from al Jazeera networks, because you won’t return my calls, you won’t return your letters. As soon as I saw you in "Stealing Home" I knew I had to have you. You do watch al Jazeera, don’t you? Otherwise I’m wasting a lot of money. (tape fades)