Litigation Update

The Rag has recently won an important court ruling against Cattle-Based Industry (CBIX), a conglomerate headquartered in a giant building with Coke machines. The ruling accuses Cattle-Based of systemic and pervasive sexual discrimination that has resulted in the unfair deaths of billions and billions of male cows.

The idea for the lawsuit came about during a field trip The Rag staffers took to a dairy farm. There, we noticed that the leisurely life on the dairy farm was enjoyed only by female cows. This aroused our curiosity, and after a little research we discovered that, sure enough, life on the beef farms was suffered mostly by bulls or otherwise male cows. This aroused our ire. So we sued. This aroused our lawyers' credit limits. Why should only girl cows be pampered with life and grass and flies and milking machines? The answer, according to Judge Rameesh Patel, is that they shouldn't.

Under the ruling, the beef and dairy industries must work together to ensure sexual equality amongst cows therein employed, or face penalties ranging from stiff to completely debilitating. What this means is that by January 1, 2003, half of all milk sold in the United States must come from bulls or otherwise male cows.

For centuries, the dairy industry has insisted that only female cows can produce milk, a claim they clouded with a smokescreen of fancy terms like "lactation" and "basic biology." But recent research has shown this all to be bunk. A 1990 study by Professor Arvid Hashnarashi of the Saravandhi Institute showed that male cows, or bulls, although possessing only one teat, are just as capable of producing milk as female cows, or cows.

A spokesperson for Cattle-Based Industry said, "Cattle are the basis for our company and we know who makes the best milk. This ruling is an outrage. We shall appeal." 8 words for you Misteresses Spokesperson thingy, "Bullshit, Cattle-Based. Your fascist regime is up!"